A couple weeks ago I learned that a friend of mine passed away suddenly of an overdose. Because this has been tapping me on the shoulder since I first heard the news, because I like having a single repository where I can dig up these things when I want to, because I'm lazy, but mostly because I couldn't write anything better if I tried...for Jeffy. I wish I could have said goodbye.
I am still reeling from the news of this morning. Nevermind that I never knew you as well as I would have liked. Nevermind that there are those who are hurting over this far more than I am, or than I could ever comprehend. That doesn't make anything any easier for me, and this is one of the hardest deaths I have had to come to terms with (a sentence no one wants to utter but we all end up having to at some tragic fucking point in life.) nothing feels safe or solid right now, it has hit me with the force of an uncaring, unfeeling train speeding down the tracks that anyone and anything we know could be snuffed out in the blink of an eye.
There are no condolences or tired cliches that can make it alright, or soften the impact of someone just being suddenly fucking gone. We throw around placating standards, "remember the good times" and "they wouldn't want you to be sad". None of it helps, really. There is nothing that can be said or done to erase the cold, stark fact that we are all so fragile, that anything you love could be snatched away in an instant without any warning or signal of hard times ahead. No matter how good you are, we are all just chemicals, synapses, volatile forces that could collapse without any sign or premonition. At any moment, everything could be left unfinished, unwritten. That's not to say that I am not trying to take some good from this, to try and make sense of something that is just so completely fucking senseless. But, for the moment, I am giving into this sadness. Because, above all else, you deserve to be mourned, and missed. It's the least I can do. Work was crazy today. It's been dead (no pun intended, and that's not meant to be a joke in bad taste) all week, and then today it was just phone call after phone call after phone call. Everyone needed and wanted something, and it didn't stop. It's like the universe knew that this is what I needed to make it through the day.
That happened when my grandmother was toward the end. Still overcome with the shock of seeing her in a deteriorated state, so very different from the one I had known my entire life. I walked out into the cold, stark white hallway, tears streaming down my cheeks. Sniffling furiously, I suddenly noticed a bunny sitting in a basket in the hallway. Wiping away tears I asked in a stuffy, tear-soaked, wavering voice "is that a real bunny?" The nurse responded, "yes." and asked if I would like to hold him. He snuggled up beneath my chin, his soft fur rubbing against my skin and his tiny, perfect nose twitching in what was probably, in reality fear. But when his enormous eyes fixed on me I felt comforted, in a way that no human could ever comfort you, so soundlessly. Sometimes, the universe just knows you need a bunny.
To all of you close that are hurting today, I hope you have your bunny. It will never be okay, but someday it won't hurt so fucking much.
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