When I was child, I had many flights of fancy. Actually, the word “fancy” does not do my fleeting, sudden interests justice. Obsession is really the only apt word. And "was" isn't completely honest, as my obsessive nature has not diminished over time. am nothing if not curious, and too a nearly obnoxious degree. If I don't know, I MUST know, and it cannot be put off for even one single second. As much as I try my best to control it, I have always been a mute, helpless slave to my whims, at least as they pertain to gathering and hoarding random facts and information. Somewhere in my subconscious I seem to constantly be preparing to try out for a quiz show.
But there are certain interests that have stuck with me constantly, as immtovable as sticky sap on a cedar. Among these are music, linguistics and...space. Not the kind between your refrigerator and your stove. The awe-inspiring space that shakes you to your core and causes you to realize, for the tiniest moment, just how infinitesimal you truly are. To this day I cannot pass by a skylight in the dead of night without stopping dead in my tracks to gaze in wonder. Can anything really capture the reality and enormity of our blink-of-an-eye existence the way these vast, never-ending skies can? Staring into the deep inky sky, imagining the universe beyond this tiny ball of silicate rocks and elements where everything we do seems so significant until we really look around, no other word than sheer, naked awe.
Honestly, have you ever stopped to consider the profound effect our perception of the world has on our actions, beliefs and how we live our lives? A friend once told me that she was “consistently amazed” by the way people will consider something normal simply because it has gone on for so long.
This is how I feel about religion. And these feelings have grown increasingly insistent and hard to keep to myself over time. Increasing to the point where, a few weeks ago, I deeply offended a group of ladies dining at an adjacent table while out for dinner and drinks. This was evidenced by their barely concealed dirty looks and heavy sighs of frustration. Couple this with the fact that my hearing loss causes me to speak loudly when sober, and have I have even less awareness of my increasing volume after a few beers, and it is a recipe for constant social faux pas. Not to mention that diplomacy has never been my strong suit.
But, lately, diplomacy seems futile and pointless. I am left with the nagging feeling that I am expounding the virtues of a logic to a society that embraces the illogical, and where entertainment is increasingly valued over substance.
Despite my enthusiasm for these types of discussions, it is incredibly annoying to be so unable to tune out all the injustice and atrocities that take place daily in our societies. Our technological advancements have far outpaced any growth in our ability to get the fuck along with one another and share this planet, and it can be hard for me to maintain the level of apathy necessary to survive in this world. I am consumed far too often with an overwhelming urge to shout “but...why?!"
The problem may lie in our inability to grasp just how small we truly are. This inability to see the larger picture is exacerbated by an ignorance of just how much impact our perception of the way things are influences how we view our world, and the galaxy that encompasses it. And that is why I am fascinated by the upside down map (upside down from an american perception of things, that is...). If you have never seen the “upside down” map, you can check it out here: http://flourish.org/upsidedownmap/
Somehow, these maps make me see everything in my world in a completely different way. Sociology fascinates me, but particularly as it relates to the science behind things. The “why” in the things we do has always held an insatiable allure for me. Why do I see the world the way I do? How different would I feel had I been raised in another country, taught from a radically different perspective? We (and not just americans) are not taught to ask questions. We have it all mapped out (no pun intended) from birth until death. In our particular socioculture, the general framework is:
0-4 years - Live completely off mother and father as social and cognitive abilities are developed and shaped by familial interactions and teachings.
5-12 years - Begin to interact with those outside our families’. Become interested in learning new ideas from new acquaintances, while simultaneously having new ideals introduced, governing our social behaviors. We begin to really learn just what is expected of us.
13-18 - These are the years in which we begin to transition into adulthood. We begin to think more critically about the world we live in, and what are place can be in it. This is (I think) when most of us begin to dream. We begin to dream of who we will become. The seeds of possibility these dreams take root and sprout from are planted in our youthful brains before we even begin to develop an awareness of untruth or manipulation. For instance, how many children would believe the tooth fairy were real if the knowledge were imparted on him/her by a peer rather than mom and dad, who undoubtedly would never lead them astray? Oh, but, thirteen through eighteen, you have caused me to wander far from my original point. So, yeah...a lot of shit goes down during these five to six years.
18-22 years - If you're lucky, college, and four enlightening years in which you find out who you really are by both succeeding and fucking up, most of the time in fairly equal numbers. Being one of the lucky fortunates, you are able to concentrate fully on your education, in both an academic and a social capacity.
If you're slightly lucky, you continue to live at home with mother and father while working part-time at a coffee stand, fast food joint or grocery store in order to bridge the gap in tuition provided by one’s parents and the rising costs of an even halfway decent education in this country.
Finally, if you are decidedly unlucky, you drop out just before graduating high school, find a job at a coffee stand, fast food joint or grocery store full-time shortly after turning eighteen, and live off top ramen and various canned goods while wondering what it might be like to attend college. You survive the days by clinging tightly to the promise of “someday”, which may or may not come. I won't turn this into a post denouncing the sorry state of our educational system, though, as this post is already on it's way to becoming an essay.
My point is that we tend to get so caught up in the details of simply surviving that we lose sight of the big picture. We do what we have to in order to live, and forget that we are actually doing these things for. The details and experiences that make it all worthwhile, that make the effort tolerable, get lost in the shuffle.
I've considered, on several occasions, just how much more reverent I have become since finally admitting to myself and those around me that I am an atheist (admittance to those around me has been a much more slow and arduous path...) Once I removed the crutch of agnosticism from my life, I stopped saying “I don't know.” and began shouting “I want to know!”. My obsessively curious nature suddenly became something I could use, a drive that I could use to further explore the planet I call home, and the universe responsible for it. For instance, did you know that gold is the result of massive supernovae exploding in space? Yep, it's basically stardust. That is just so fucking cool.
Anyway, check out the “upside down” map, take a moment to look at things from a new point of view, and remember when you were young and obsessed with asking “why?” Most of us lose this somewhere along the way, I think, and then we just lose our way. There really is more to life than this.
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